Offensive Fish Meat
by Flashing The Floods
Summary: Leon and Kaito decide to do a duet. They sound so terrible that all the other Vocaloids commit suicide. Crappy one-shot written for MellaTheKnightmare.


**Author's Note: Written for MellaTheKnightmare, who can't stand Kaito or Leon's voices. It goes without saying that this was super fun to write, though I didn't include all of the Vocaloid deaths because there's way too many Vocaloids for me to remember. But ah, anyway, hope you like it dude. If not, I could always redo it :3**

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It stated out with a song, as do many things for the Vocaloids. They were all just chilling and going about their own business, Luka greedily exploring Miku's mouth with her tongue, Len and Rin jabbing at poor Gakupo with a pointy leek, Meiko drinking her head off with a sake bottle in hand, etc, etc. Everything was mundane and peaceful. No one expected such a ghastly tragedy would befall them.

Leon stretched out on one of the many couches in the studio, thoughtfully chewing on his thumbnail. It just so happened that Kaito sauntered on by, probably to get a blanket or something, because it wasn't exactly warm in there and he was buck ass nude aside from his signature scarf (which probably needed a good wash, because goddamn, he is always wearing that thing).

"Kaito!" Leon grabbed him by the arm and tugged him back. "Will you do a duet with me? I haven't recorded anything in awhile."

Kaito looked contemplative for a moment and then nodded seriously. He plopped down on the couch, practically in Leon's lap, and took him by the shoulders. The bishie sparkles went flying and for a second it totally seemed like they were about to get their yaoi on. But the sexually intense look faded from Kaito's ocean depths and his hands loosened, goofy smile spreading across his face.

"Sure! What do you wanna sing?" chirruped the pesky little bait-and-switcher.

"How about The Little Mermaid?" Leon tilted his head.

"No, that one's not even supposed to be a duet."

"But that's the beauty of it," protested Leon. "No one's sang it as a duet before. It will be something new and unexpected."

"Oh? Yeah, I guess you're right." Kaito nodded agreeably and cracked his knuckles. "Alright, let's get to this."

They stood up and skipped to the recording room, every other Vocaloid in the studio blissfully unaware until they seized the microphones. Their voices intertwined with their fingers and and rose with their passion, blasting through every single speaker.

"たとえ泡になろうとも 私はあなたが好きでした~"

The fieriest hell was that noise. Listening to them was like listening to nails scraping on a chalkboard, a banshee's wailing, and a field of dying cows combined.

They were bad enough when they were singing by themselves, but together!? It was as torturously painful as jabbing the exposed nerve of a decayed tooth with the prong of a fork.

Before they even reached the second verse, Gakupo ripped the pointy leek out the Kagamine twins' grasp and impaled himself seppuku style. His blood squirted out like eggplant juice and his ruptured bowels tumbled from the wound in sloppy tangles. Luka shrieked in horror and clamped her hands over her ears, accidentally biting off Miku's tongue. Miku staggered back, liquid ruby cascading down from her tongueless mouth like a waterfall. She hit the floor like a sack of leeks and promptly bled to death.

It seemed brutal, but internally Miku was grateful for Luka's fatal kiss. It meant that she no longer had to be subject to the atrocity that was Leon and Kaito's duet.

"この海と空に溶けて あなたを見守るわ~"

"Nooo, Miku-Chan! Oh what have they done to my song!?" Writhing with agony, Luka flung herself out the window. Glass latticed her lovely fair skin as she plummeted to her demise on the concrete below.

"I can't take it anymore," Len screeched as blood streamed from his aching ears in thick rivulets. He proceeded to run headlong into the wall. His crown broke upon impact, broken skull stabbing into his brain and bringing his suffering to an end. Rin followed her twin's lead and bashed her head in in the same fashion. Her body flopped next to his with a nauseating thud.

Leon and Kaito continued singing happily, having no clue that they sounded dreadful enough to cause their friends to kill themselves.

"海の底で 夢に見てた 空に満ちる 蒼い星を~"

Meiko smashed her empty bottle of sake against the wall with a drunken groan. It shattered and she snatched up one of the bigger shards, slitting her throat with a swift, neat swipe. She reeled back and dizzily swiveled, her severed artery spraying plentifully. Haku made a noose out of her silvery white tresses and choked herself against a chair, tears rolling down her reddened cheeks as the light in her eyes dimmed.

Akaito ended himself in a similar fashion, pulling his scarf around his neck as hard as he could. Short, choppy choking noises left his throat until he pulled so hard he snapped his neck. He went slack and joined the cluster of bodies that littered the ground.

"海の中で 望んでいた 時が満ちる 日が来るまで~"

Gumi and Teto set themselves on fire, dying with screams and raw, blistered flesh as the flames consumed them. But as painful as that was, it was preferable to staying alive and listening to Leon and Kaito's awful abomination of a duet continue. It went on and on just like, every other Vocaloid slaughtering themselves just so they didn't have to hear it anymore.

Leon and Kaito remained ignorant the whole time, shooting each other half-lidded yaoi gazes and unknowingly destroying the tranquility of the Vocaloid studio with the hopes of recording an awesome duet.


End file.
